Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Randomize
