at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Randomize
