Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Randomize
