i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
