i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
