I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
