Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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