cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Randomize
