This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You need a sexual gate keeper
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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