She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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