The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
