Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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