I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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