Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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