He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
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