if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
