fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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