Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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