I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
