My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
just tell him i said nine months
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
