Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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