Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
