I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
