...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
