There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
