We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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