The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
