I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
