u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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