were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
