Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
