it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
