I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
i drank out of a bidet.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
