dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
