There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
