Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
