that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
