Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
