So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
