apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
