I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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