Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
