I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
The Olympian is in my bed
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
