you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You made out with two different species that night
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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