Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
