i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
