I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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