Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Randomize
