Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
nutella sex= disaster
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
