I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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